Enjoying not being normal!

In my post epiphanaeic smugness, where I don't shop, where I don't 'do' retail therapy, I live, in what feels like, a parallel universe to many people. Nothing I can hold in my hands, other than those I love, gives me any pleasure at all. I've learnt over the years that happiness is not external. It's not something that is reliant on what you are eating................and yet many of us have tried to eat our way to happiness. It's not something that we can buy..................and so many of us have tried to buy happiness.

A few years ago, when I was so low I didn't want to open my eyes ever again, I was referred to counselling. It wasn't a good experience. The counsellor, who is trained to ask questions and then allow the person who is being counselled to come to their own conclusions, asked me how I felt just after I'd had my hair done and got my make up on and asked me to remember that moment. I looked the poor unsuspecting man in the face and with a steely, 'I can kill you at any minute' rebuke remarked that I felt no better or any worse under those circumstances. He then thought he and I should discuss those little 'luxuries' that lift our spirits. He talked about bubble baths, a nice glass of wine, some chocolate or a trip to the shop to treat ourselves. As I was in a very, very dark place, I think I told him he could go eat **** and have seconds! I didn't go back! Sometimes, I think that counsellors are being sponsored by Debenhams!

The last three years have taught me that nothing I can buy, eat or even cook actually makes me happy. I have taken responsibility for my own well beings and I have decided to be happy and therefore I am. (I know, all a bit NLP, but it works for me)

 I am utterly smug about not shopping and not owning, and not wanting. I feel completely superior that, on my way to enlightenment, I have maybe found the answer (life,the universe and everything.............42?) I counted up the pairs of shoes that I own. Seven pairs, including wellies and recently purchased charity shop hiking boots and trainers. I own one dress. I own one pair of jeans. I own two coats and so on. Nearly everything I have is from the Sally Army shop, ebay or the car booter. So why all the happiness? In my life, up until recent years, I felt as if I had to 'do as I was told' and that somehow, I had to fit in. Well, I don't. I don't have to wear the 'latest fashion', I don't have to have my hair done, I can wear the same shoes for years on end, I can wear the same colour every day as everything matches! I can just open a tin of sardines and have that for lunch, whilst eating it from the tin with a spoon.

What ever normal is, or was, I certainly don't subscribe to it any more. Shopping? I'd rather go home and turn my compost!

Until tomorrow,

Froogs xxxxx